Oh, but that’s the irony, broken people are not fragile,

-Clinton Sammy Jr. 

The past 24 hours have been incredibly draining, and mind-blowingly lonely. That’s what happens when you open your heart up to someone or something, it opens yourself up to immense pain deep within your soul.

Monday, I started my first of a series of 6 Ketamine infusions for my PTSD and Depression. I’ve long sought out different treatments to cure this crazy mind of mine, all to no avail. Which is what led me to these drastic measures. I’m desperate for this heavy burden on my chest to lift off and fly away, forever. At this point, I’d be willing to try anything. Mondays treatment was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. As I’m shifting to a new universe, my therapist is sitting beside me to reel me back in if I float too far away inside my mind. She gets me. Which has made these treatments even more effective. She gives me hope that one day my soul will finally be understood. Wishful thinking, I know. Anywho, after Monday’s treatment I was exhausted emotionally but I felt free. I felt like maybe the burden that had made its home inside my chest had started to lift a little. But Wednesday’s treatment (yesterday), was earth shattering. I was fine during the treatment and was making progress with my therapist but immediately afterwards I felt empty, hopeless and alone. I felt as though I only bring those around me down, and that true love just wasn’t in the cards for me. Maybe it was self sabotage, which I know all too well, or maybe it was just me over analyzing the situation. Whatever it was, it caused yesterday to be one of the worst days I’ve had in about a month.

This morning, as I reflected on yesterdays events and last nights major lack of sleep, it dawned on me that this is just who I am. I’m the damaged girl who over-analyzes, feels too much and over-loves. Throw in a little self sabotage and feelings of unworthiness and you’ve got the perfect cocktail recipe for yours truly. This is just the way Kayla loves. This is just the way damaged people love. After years and years of endless pain and suffering, I shouldn’t have to apologize for always being in fight or flight mode. After all, isn’t the definition of insanity repeating the same actions yet anticipating different results? So, why should my history of love and my response to it be any different?

Let me break it down for you:

Men+ me + love = heartbreak. Every. Single. Time. 

So, it would be insane for me to anticipate anything other than heartbreak, right?

I don’t know. I’m not God. I don’t have all the puzzling answers to the universe. All I know is that sometimes, I just need someone to love me a little harder than the day before. Maybe it does come down to finding the “perfect mate” (or whatever that means), or maybe it just comes down to creating your own reality. All I know for now is that on the days you need to be loved a little harder, love yourself instead of expecting it from other humans, and lean on God to see you through.

God will always be there with open arms to love you the way your soul desperately needs to be loved. 

Much love to you all.