It’s been a few weeks since my last post and since I publicly shared this blog. I’ve had this blog for a while now and it’s very precious to me so I hope you’ll take my words and allow them to heal your wounded soul the way they’ve healed mine. Thank you for all the support. It means more than any of you could possibly know.

Back in January of 2019 I met my Prince Charming. New Year’s Eve to be exact. He promised me the world that night. Little did he know that he was rescuing me from a life full of struggling and sadness, only to be replaced by monetary things and faux happiness. Never would I have imagined that being in an incredible place financially would end up harming my mental health to the point where I had to be hospitalized after numerous failed suicide attempts. Somehow, I always end up taking the long way around in order to learn my lesson- Money absolutely will not make you happy if you aren’t happy within yourself.

I love(d) him. Truly. Genuinely. With every ounce of my being, I loved him. It didn’t happen until we had been dating for several months and one day I just looked into his eyes and knew this is where my life was meant to be. Despite all the love in my heart, I was breaking into tiny little pieces that he continued to step on, breaking them further into even smaller pieces. I think to myself, “did he ever really love me? Or was I just a prized infatuation to stroke his ego?”. I decided I’d rather not know what his true intentions are- because knowing would likely break my broken pieces into even smaller broken pieces. Nonetheless, he continued to humiliate me, degrade me, emotionally neglect and abuse me- all while I stayed home thinking of ways to make him happy. Another hard lesson learned- If a man isn’t faithful, there’s nothing you can do to change that. If a man isn’t faithful, there isn’t any amount of love in the world you could give in order to turn him into a decent human with decent, basic morals and integrity. If he’s just a shitty human being, save your breath and energy and just let him be a shitty human being. Nothing you do will save him.

The thing with love is: it makes you freaking crazy. Literally. In every sense of the word. I would spend my entire day, everyday trying to find out what he was hiding from me, and who he was hiding from me. I had already found numerous receipts that confirmed my suspicions but I chose to stay to try to repair our extremely fragile and shattered relationship for the sake of my daughter. I thought I could save him. Somewhere in my twisted brain, saving him meant falling even more in love with him and his twisted logic and many flaws. I know, I know, stupid.

Once things hit rock bottom and I attempted suicide after being sexually assaulted and drugged, I realized that we could now build a firm foundation since we had destroyed everything we had built. It was the perfect place to begin again: at the very bottom…. or so I thought. Getting out of the hospital was more than disappointing to me. I had hoped I would get out and things would be peaches and cream, instead it was exhausting and everything in my life was still broken. Funny how a 2 week stay in a mental institution can give you the highest of hopes when you finally get back to the outside world. He didn’t want to be with me anymore, plain and simple. I stood there completely blind sided and on the verge of another mental break down when I realized that he blamed me for my sexual assault- the sole reason he used for wanting to walk away from the life we had built together for 11 months.

My stomach started churning once the realization that the man I still loved blamed me for being sexually assaulted. I mean, what kind of man even thinks like that? Certainly not a man worthy of my love. It was in that defining moment that I realized he was just a man who wanted to lie with farm animals rather than a queen. I decided to pick my shattered heart up off the ground, dust it off, and slowly start to glue the pieces of my broken heart back together.

Here I am, one month out of the looney bin and I’m finally getting back to who I am at my core. The Kayla I had known for 27 years was all but swept away by him so I decided to turn my sour lemons into some damn good lemonade (with a Splash of vodka on the rocks 😉). I instantly fell back in love with my DIY projects, started wearing makeup again, actually started eating again and gaining some much needed weight. Every day I woke up I found myself getting closer and closer to the Kayla that fate had destined for me to be.

There’s a song out by Selena Gomez called “Lose you to Love me” which I’ve chosen as my life anthem, for the moment anyways. I’ve always had a deep love for music, especially the lyrics. It’s funny how God uses a song to speak to you. This song is undoubtedly a song meant for me.

I gave my all and they all know it
Then you tore me down and now it’s showing
In two months, you replaced us
Like it was easy
Made me think I deserved it
In the thick of healing.”

At the end of the day they may never understand your fire but they will ALWAYS come back longing for your flames. Remember that!

This last year has been the most trying and the most life defining year of my life but I don’t regret a single moment. Falling in love with a man incapable of giving love to anyone, taught me a lot about life and about myself. Women, never sacrifice your self worth for a man- EVER. And if you find yourself in an exhausting relationship, find the strength to walk away and walk away with your head held high, a smile on your face while wearing your favorite stilettos. Make him regret ever losing you. Then walk away and never look back.