I know what you may be thinking, “Is this woman serious?”. Yes, I’m serious. I don’t know how people get through life being so serious all the time. Life is short, so why not enjoy every second, no matter what? Well, if you find yourself in a deep state of depression and you know a trip to the mental hospital is inevitable, at least be prepared and have fun with it! I actually started writing this blog during my first trip to the crazy house. I knew there was no way I was the first woman to find sorrow in the fact that I couldn’t use any skin or hair care products while I was admitted. I cried, then laughed, then started writing. This is for all the “crazy” women out there, like myself, who need help on how to navigate through an involuntary (or voluntary- Hey, more power to you sista!) stay at a mental heath facility.

Us women have to stick together during times of great need and duress so here you have it: How to DIVA your way through the looney bin!

Tip #1 Hold that chin up buttercup! Remember, even if it doesn’t feel like it, the vast majority of mental health workers are there to genuinely help you step into your better self. I promise, if you put all you have into it, socialize, attend all groups, eat well, shower daily and sleep a full 8 hours every night, you will leave feeling much lighter than when you arrived. They actually score you every 15 minutes, 24/7 and document what you are doing, how you are acting, sleeping, eating, participating and so forth. If you want to leave sooner, don’t work against them- work WITH them.

I attempted to push back my first few days because I was so incredibly afraid of being alone and not knowing what to expect. I quickly realized I would have to beat them at their own game if I wanted to keep my sanity, so that’s what I did. 

Tip #2 For all the women struggling with acne: LISTEN UP! You will most likely be unable to bring your own skin and hair care products from home, leaving you at the mercy of cheap baby shampoo and something resembling body lotion. It’s brutal. It’s physically painful not to be able to use your own products, especially when battling something so seemingly degrading such as “acne”. You will have to wisen up and use what is available to you. Remember when I said you had to beat them at their own game?

At night I would shower and immediately afterwards I would use toothpaste as a spot cream to leave on overnight. It wasn’t near as good as using my Mario Badscu products, but it did the job. After cleansing my face in the mornings I would then use my mouth wash as a “toner” and an antibacterial agent. I also made it a point to wash my face numerous times throughout the day, which helped tremendously.

Tip #3 If you have dry hair like me, I’m sure you rely on hair care products to get you looking and feeling your best. Imagine my horror when I looked down at my “bath products” bag and noticed the most knock-offed, basic, cheap shampoo and conditioner. My hair is still pissed about it. Nonetheless, I chose to make light of a not so pleasant situation. I would wash my hair as soon as I showered then leave the conditioner on as a mask while I washed the rest of my body, then washing out the conditioner as the very last thing. Once out of the shower, I would run a small pea sized amount of the cheap body lotion they allotted to me through the ends of my hair. Once my hair was dry, I would use small amounts of lotion to tame the fly-aways and frizzies. I ended up just having my roommate french braid my hair while it was still wet so I didn’t have to keep looking at my dry, unkempt hair. French braid= problem solved!

Tip #4 Anyone have fake ta-ta’s?! I do! I found the beds incredibly uncomfortable, especially since I had had surgery just a few months prior. I suffered for a couple of nights before I got the courage to ask for an extra pillow and an extra blanket to prop under my ta-ta’s when I sleep on my side…. and they said YES! The main lesson to me here was that most of us don’t know everything that is available to us, no matter where you are in life. You’ll never know if you never ask.

Tip #5 Bring slippers! I guess this is one thing about me that most find a tad quirky: You are not allowed in my home without shoes and/or socks, preferably slippers if you are living here. I can’t stand when my daughter roams the house barefoot; I immediately make her put her slippers on every time I catch those bare little toes pattering on my hardwood floors. My sister recently moved in with me so I took it upon myself to buy her slippers, and insisted she wear them at all times. She does. (Insert Evil Laugh). Anywho, the crazy house only gives you hospital socks, which suck. Do yourself a major favor and bring some good, comfy slippers.

Tip #6 You may have access to coffee but ignorantly enough, you likely won’t have access to coffee stir thingys. So what genius idea do we come up with? Use a second cup and mix! Think: making margaritas. Your “ohh…. AHA!” moment is coming, just give it a second.

Tip #7 Use your real or fake tata’s to smuggle food to your room for a late night snack. Or use them to hide markers, like me. Yes, I’m THAT girl.

Tip #8 Having anxiety? Can’t sleep? Ask for medicine! They have a whole pharmacy of sorts to help make your stay much easier. You just have to ask. Take advantage of anything they offer, if you need it. It’s accessible to you for a reason. Remember, they are here to help walk you back to health, not torture you.

Tip #9 Use your shoes to hide snacks in for late night snack time. If you’re anything like me, you like to chow down on snacks and make it your own little bedtime story. My bedtime story last night consisted of pecans and peppermints whilst watching my favorite reality tv show “Keeping up with the Kardashians”. See, perfect bedtime story.

Tip #10 FIND YOUR PEOPLE… let me say it louder for the people in the back FIND YOUR PEOPLE! No matter where you are in life, whether it be at a mental hospital, starting new classes at the local college, or beginning a new job. The best advice I can share with you that will help bring you to greatness is this. We are mammals with the natural instinct to create our own tribes because our ancestors knew they couldn’t navigate through this crazy life without some crazy awesome people by their side. The moment you walk through those doors of the looney bin, crazy hospital, or whatever you want to call it, immediately start scanning the room for people you can socialize with. If you find they are good and calming to your soul, keep them by your side. I found a great tribe of friends at both stays in two different hospital settings. I was insanely luck to have found some life long friends that can be an encouragement to me as well as I to them.

Moral of the freaking story: Don’t let the bastards grind you down (A little bit of Handmaids Tale for you).

I sincerely hope that if you find yourself in a low place where seeking help is your only option- DO IT! And do it sooner than later. I promise if you will just give in to them, abide by the rules and apply the tools they teach you, that you will come out on the other side with a much sunnier sky than when you entered.

If you are needing someone to talk to, PLEASE don’t hesitate to reach out to me directly via email. I would be honored to give some love to someone who desperately needs it. If you are having suicidal thoughts please reach out to 1-800-273-8255. You are never alone. I promise I will be right there with you, along with millions of other people who have suffered through the same exact thing you’re currently dealing with.