I’m what you would call eccentric, odd and an empath. All three of those combined equals ME. I have a terrifyingly deep soul that causes me to feel things on deeper levels while also having a different perception of the world than most. That’s likely where it all goes wrong for me. Maybe if I were normal life would be a little easier for me. Maybe not, but it’s nice to think about sometimes. Maybe in my last life I WAS normal and WAS accepted among mainstream society. A girl can dream I guess, right? Looking back, I can’t remember a time where I ever felt like I was enough. Enough for my family, enough for my friends, enough for my daughter, enough for my loves, Enough for my employers. It’s my trigger.
If I’m doing a project that comes out wrong I’m instantly triggered into a state of anxiety that leaves me breathless and physically exhausted. I walk away frustrated wondering why I even thought I could have done it in the first place. My very little confidence plummets and it takes forever for it to come back up the ladder.
If I have an unexpected breakup with a boyfriend it sends me spiraling into a dark pit of loneliness for months on end causing suicide to be fantasized about and in some cases, planned step by step. By the end of it all, I’m left as only a shell of the person I was before the breakup. It takes every bit of energy I have to decide to continue living. Who would want to continue living a life where not even basic men want them? Who would want to live a life surrounded by complete loneliness?
If I’m speaking and feel as though the other person is misunderstanding me I feel a mind twisting rage that consumes me then leaves me overreacting to something seemingly so small and petty. I look back and realize that that’s probably why I have no friends. Who wants to be friends with a raging, short tempered lunatic?
If I can’t buy my daughter the expensive shoes she has begged me for it sends me straight to my knees with my head between my hands screaming “Why can’t I be enough for her?”. She’s the only reason I’m living and breathing. All I want is to give her a life she doesn’t have to run from, yet I can’t even provide the most basic necessities for her. See, this is where my mind goes when I’m triggered. My triggers run deep but my heart runs deeper. Simply put, I’m an exhausting woman.
My therapist told me that when I’m triggered it’s eerily similar to someone experiencing PTSD. When I’m good I’m great but when I’m bad I’m really freaking dark. I go from 0 to 90 within seconds, sometimes without notice. It all stems from not feeling like I’ll ever be enough. For several months I’ve worked with my therapist using talk therapy, EMDR therapy and “just sit on the couch and cry without speaking the entire time” therapy. Sometimes I would see her 3 and 4 times a week, once while she was on her lunch break. I’m forever thankful for her. She was my hero when I needed saving the most. All I needed was to be seen and she saw every broken piece of me.
I wish I could tell you how lonely it is to deal with depression alone. I wish I could explain what it’s like waking up to a soaked face and swollen eyes in the dead of night, only to see a frightened friend shaking you awake because he heard you screaming and sobbing in your sleep. I wish I could convey just how misunderstood I truly am at my core and just how deep my scars go. I wish I could show you why I am the way that I am and why I’m over here and you’re over there.
You see a small tattoo, but I see bravery with a still beating heart. You see a girl named Kayla, but I see someone desperately begging to finally be enough.
Now I have a constant reminder that I am who I say I am. When my blue skies turn to grey all I need to do is pull up my shirt. Whenever I shower, there it is punching my pity in the face. When my cravings to throw my sobriety in the trash become unbearable I need only to look in the mirror and say “Kayla you are so freaking enough”. I’m nowhere near healed and whole. I’m still filled with cracks and missing pieces that even the strongest glue can’t fix. I’m still on the journey to finding my enough but that’s okay. I know that I’ll get there someday and I’ll have this to remind me along the way,
Kayla
XOXO
Finding My Enough 