This morning I awoke with tears streaming down my face with this gnawing pit in the middle of my stomach telling me I’m not enough. This happens frequently. I guess that’s what you get when you have C-PTSD coupled with depression. After wallowing in my pity for a few minutes I sat up, turned the bedside table lamp on and opened up my bible to Romans, hoping God would come inside my heart to tame the pain I was feeling. Suddenly, God starts whispering in my ear the Good News of Jesus Christ and before I know it my tears are all dried up and my soul is full of his everlasting PEACE. I’ve been drawn to Isaiah 26:3-4 “You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, Because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, For in YAH, the Lord, is everlasting strength.” After meditating on that verse for a while, I crawled out of bed and made some coffee. Normally, I would have went back to sleep because what kind of heathen gets up at the crack of dawn AND STAYS UP? Not me, I tell ya! Well, until now. It was as if God was telling me that if I wanted to keep his “perfect peace” that I needed all my days to start with him and his Word. It was almost as if God had planned this entire “waking up at the crack of dawn” fiasco because he knew I needed some time with him this morning. He knew if I went back to sleep that I wouldn’t find the time to read his Word later. Isn’t it beautiful how God is always working things out for our own good, even when it doesn’t feel like it?

A short while later I’m doing my makeup and Ava sneaks up behind me with one of her giggles, letting me know she’s awake. She climbs on my bed and sits there quietly while I finish putting on my makeup at my desk. It was a moment that most people take for granted. In fact, most people probably don’t even register these events because we’ve become so “busy minded” that we have forgotten to pause every once in a while.  Instead of letting the moment float by, I decided to bathe in the beautiful silence filling the space between this beautiful daughter of mine and myself. As you can imagine, I was overcome with pure joy and all consuming peace.

A few weeks ago I had met someone who quickly became a close friend and confidante to me. You know when you meet those people that you instantly connect and vibe with? Yep, that was it. I was so sure God had sent me a good, honest friend when I needed it most. Unfortunately, they turned out to be the exact opposite of who they portrayed themselves to be and manipulated me in more ways than I can count. After suddenly catching a glimpse of their facade, I hit my knees and asked God why he would send me someone just to hurt me? It took me a couple of days of sadness and confusion to hear Gods answer but it finally hit me: God took that person out of my life because he was protecting me from them. He knew what that person was like behind closed doors and that this person didn’t deserve to have someone like me in their life. I’m so thankful God protected me from something that likely would’ve been even more detrimental to my already damaged mental health. This scenario, like this mornings, was very similar in format. Stomach churning pain in the beginning but it ends with Gods overwhelming, perfect peace.

As I’ve been on a journey of healing these past few months, I’ve grown much closer to Christ and my view has become so much clearer to the things of this world. I’ve learned to pray for those who cause me pain and I’ve learned to turn the other cheek when someone betrays me. I’ve learned to appreciate each and every single moment because tomorrow is never promised. I’ve learned that I have to take ownership of my own mistakes. I’ve learned that Satan will come dressed as everything you ever thought you wanted. I learned that in order for me to ever find true love that I must open my heart and stop falling into my Kayla hole. I’ve learned that being a mother is the number 1 most important thing to me. But the most important lesson I’ve taken away from all this pain and suffering is how God always gives us a fairy tale ending. We may be in excruciating pain in the night but JOY always comes in the morning!

-Kay

XOXO