I dread this specific week every single year. This week always tends to leave me breathless and exhausted, despite it being a week for “celebrating”…. or whatever that is suppose to mean. Ever since I can remember, I hated my birthday. I remember my 3rd or 4th birthday, hiding under the dining room table while those around me sang merrily, ultimately ending with tears in my eyes as I blew out the candles. I use to think everyone felt this way about their seemingly “special” day.

As a child, I was able to fake my way through the birthdays and somehow managed to fake a crooked smile by the end of it all. Though, as I’ve gotten older it has become almost unbearable. Last year wasn’t so bad, probably the best birthday I’ve had in years but I know not to get my hopes up for this year. My birthday basically reminds me of all the friends I don’t have, all the family I don’t have, and all the people who promised to be by my side throughout the years- only to abandon me during some of my darkest times. I remember the days of “birthday parties” and crying endlessly, praying that at least one or two friends would actually show. I went through the same thing with my baby shower, and I still am frozen with fear when my daughters birthday party rolls around every year- with me praying and fasting that my child doesn’t end her birthday feeling unwanted, unloved or forgotten about. Sure, I go overboard and spend endless amounts of money on her birthdays, but putting a genuine smile on my girls face is priceless. Ensuring she never walks away from a birthday feeling like she isn’t good enough, more than priceless.

I remember attending my siblings parties, or my friends parties and always left wondering, “why can’t I have that?”. Even as a 3 year old child I felt that way. I’m pretty sure my mom gave birth to an alien destined for another world. But, I’m left wondering if I’m the only one on the planet who feels this way. And if so, then I must ask again, “Why me?”. When my family and friends birthdays come around, I always go above and beyond trying to make the birthday boy or girl feel extra special and extra loved. After all, isn’t that our job as party attendees to ensure the guest of honor feels their absolute best on their best day?

At the end of the day, all we want is someone to care. Someone to care enough to go out of their way to ensure your special day is as special as their special day is to you.

Regardless of my crippling anxiety, I’m determined to wake up tomorrow with a smile (even if I have to force it) and conquer the day with my head held high. I’ve begun this journey of self exploration and I’m evolving into the adult I was always destined to become. Instead of letting this birthday become a bump in the road, I’m going to shift my focus and think of all those people who didn’t receive a birthday wish this year on their special day. Peace and love to all of those going through the silent struggles of never feeling good enough. Keep chasing that light at the end of that long dark tunnel. You’ll get there.

xoxo