I remember the first time our eyes met. I remember thinking “This is the beginning of the rest of my life. I remember how your eyes saw into mine and how it made me feel. I remember feeling relieved that someone was finally rescuing me from the only shit life i’ve ever known. I remember how the corners of your smile would reach your eyes, solidifying to me that I made you happy. I remember. I remember it all. But most of all, I remember how much I loved you.  And now, I’m left shattered in a million pieces with my heart aching deeper than its ever ached, with my head between my legs trying to drown out the darkness that is creeping its way faster and faster into my already fragile mind. I didn’t want much from you. I didn’t need much from you. I just needed you to need me back.

Why wasn’t I enough for you to be faithful to? Why did you have to destroy every single piece that made me who I was? Why did you shower me with false love, false hopes and false dreams? I guess I should be asking myself that considering I’m the common denominator in this shattered life. I think it’s glaringly clear that I’ve destroyed myself, without anyone else’s help. I know you don’t see it, but I loved you as much as I could. I use to love so deep that I would get lost within my soul, but at some point along the way I forgot how to love. I stopped loving myself and as a result, I couldn’t love you the way you needed me to.

I find myself becoming increasingly reckless with my life in hopes that the world will end my suffering rather than by my own hands. I’m scared. I’m terrified. Just thinking of what I’m about to do is making my body shake with empty tears continuously falling to the floor. I don’t want to go, but I have to. I must. It’s not an option anymore. This is my destiny and I no longer have a place on this world. I cause pain everywhere I go, with everything I touch, and everything I attempt to love. I’ve destroyed my daughters life and my families life due to my inability to be enough. I will only cause her more heartache and pain if I continue walking this earth and neglecting my duties as a mother. I was never a mother. Ava always deserved so much better than me and that will always be my greatest regret.

Once I’m gone, all that will be left is my empire of dirt. I’m sorry that my baggage, trash and dirt is all that Ava will inherit from me. Maybe that’s best though. Maybe she won’t want to remember me when shes older, and that’s okay. I don’t blame her a bit.