This past month has been the roughest on record (and that’s saying a lot). I kept thinking that nothing good can come from all this mess, and I kept questioning why God was protecting people who were hurting me. Why would God allow so much devastation to wreck my life while allowing those truly responsible to move along like nothing happened?  Well, I don’t know the answer to that, BUT I do know that when God has magnificent plans for you he will slam so many doors shut that it will make your head spin. A lot of you don’t know my true story behind my addiction while some of you may not even know that I’m an addict. I was so ashamed of that part of me for so long and I realized that once you stop running from who you are, there’s a sense of freedom you receive that you’ve never experienced before. So, here goes.

Hi, my name is Kayla and I’m an addict. I don’t believe in the whole “I’m a recovering addict” mumbo jumbo. The truth is, why should I have to justify being in recovery to YOU? I don’t and I never plan to. The truth is that addiction changes every aspect of who you are so why diminish the struggle by adding “recovering” to the word? Any who, that’s who I am. A few years back, after suffering a devastating loss, I gave up on trying to fight back. The thing is though, no one knew the demons I faced every single day. No one knew how much I struggled to put my “mom face” on and go to work to provide for my daughter. But I did it, and I did it well. I was what you would call a “functioning drug addict”. In the summer of 2016 I decided to face my demons head on and attempt sobriety on my own. Cold turkey. Yeah, that was stupid. It wasn’t until I was in the ambulance getting hooked up to IV’s and heart monitors that I truly understood what being an addict is. Prior to the ambulance arriving I called my daughters dad to tell him to come quick because something wasn’t right. He immediately hung up and called 911 while speeding through red lights to beat the ambulance to my house. I never call anyone for help, especially him, so he knew I must have been pretty sick to break down and call him. That night in the hospital, after rounds and rounds of medicines to stop my body from shaking so much, a nurse looked down at me and whispered, “Pretty girl, you’re too pretty for this.” My body was in so much shock that I couldn’t even cry despite the overwhelming need to just weep. I was in and out of consciousness because the drugs they gave me were pretty strong, especially after the second round. During one of my conscious episodes, with my eyes still closed in an attempt to escape reality, I hear my mom say “See Emily. Look at your sister. This is what happens when you do drugs”. I was so ashamed that now my entire family knew. I had hidden it so well from literally everyone. I felt so little in that moment.

After 5 days of withdrawals my body finally stopped shaking. It was probably 10 days before I could actually sleep for a couple of hours at a time. True addicts will tell you that one of the worst parts to getting sober is the lack of sleep or the restless body syndrome. (Think: Restless leg syndrome intensified by 1,000 and taking over your entire body rather than just your legs.) I completely understand and sympathize with those who struggle with sobriety. It’s damn near impossible just to make the decision to quit, then almost more impossible to go through with it. Maintaining sobriety is the “easy” part. I only say “easy” when comparing it to the withdrawals because that was hands down the worst my body has ever felt. You can’t possibly understand unless you have actually been there so I can’t fault the “normals” for their ignorant comments against addicts. They just don’t know. Lucky them.

Last year, a coworker (actually a satan she-male) was selling homemade bracelets. I bought one and as soon as she gave it to me I noticed there was an “odd” bead. She told me that it stood for “recovery”. I put that bracelet on and never took it off until a week ago. I finally figured out that this narcissistic satan she-male held so much power over me, including my happiness and self-worth. It was like her demonic spirit had encased itself inside my bracelet. She is one of the most dangerous people to encounter. She’s supposedly a drug counselor, which she is. But what most people don’t see is how she uses patients confidential details in order to degrade and humiliate them. I knew I needed to immediately rid every part of her from my life, including my bracelet. I needed to burn any bridge associated with her to ensure she could never torture and humiliate me again. So, I grabbed some scissors and watched the beads fall to the ground. Then Ava and I sat at our dining room table making our own bracelets. Ava asked what my “odd bead” was for and I simply said “Mommas recovery”. I didn’t specify what type of recovery, nor did she ask. She has a way of knowing things without truly knowing. A way of understanding when she can’t possibly understand. She’s so supernatural. When we were done making them we held our new bracelets up and I was startled and amazed by what she had made. She too had put an “odd bead” in her bracelet. I asked her why and she responded, “For you momma”. I don’t think I could ever convey the emotions running through my soul in that moment. I, somehow despite all the struggles, raised such a selfless and loving kid. It is impossible to compare her to anything other than my very own personal superhero.

I want to share our bracelets with you. I think it’s so important to find something that grounds you when life gets hard. We all need something to physically hold when reality becomes too much or when the world starts to break us. What’s the thing that grounds you? As you can probably guess, mine is this bracelet and my beautiful girl.

Peace and love

XOXO

Kayla